Chapter 23 Excerpt: Nothing Makes You Feel as Ancient as Your Twenty Year High School Reunion

Chapter 23 Excerpt: Nothing Makes You Feel as Ancient as Your Twenty Year High School Reunion

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It has been two years since I stopped internet dating. I am thirty-seven years old. Correction, I am thirty-seven and a half. I no longer live in Los Angeles and I’m still single. I have not gone on a date since I closed my internet dating accounts, and men no longer ask me out or speak to me. That’s the way I want it. I must give off a really scary vibe.

Chloe and Lola are still married. Lola and her husband moved to the central coast of California. Chloe is still hysterical and sporty. Sasha has been dating someone new and as usual she met him after one internet date. Grace isn’t seeing anyone right now. She is taking a break from dating to concentrate on other things. Tori still lives in Utah with her supermodel family and I feel like I haven’t seen her in decades.

My time is dedicated to anything other than trying to meet a man, because I’m clearly happier single. Even though most of my experiences were funny I didn’t enjoy internet dating. That said, I regret nothing. If I hadn’t gone through it all I wouldn’t know what I don’t want, and as a result, more of what I do. If I ever meet the right man, it will be much sweeter.

It wasn’t all bad. The experience brought me closer to women. I have heard amazing dating stories involving everything from explosive diarrhea and fringed clothing, to something which sounded like a kidnapping attempt.

I made friends and expanded my network by sharing my stories with women. I had no idea there were so many women ashamed to admit they were internet dating. It makes them feel like failures. And the penis photos! I’m in awe of the number of women who have received penis pictures.

This seems to be a somewhat universal phenomenon online. Nothing dries out my vagina faster than a penis photo. Also, there are quite a few men out there who need to see a doctor. I received dozens of penis photos and way too many were alarming. Firstly, don’t send someone a photo of your penis ever. If for some reason you can’t stop yourself, make sure it doesn’t have a giant red bump on it. If you cannot definitively identify something as a freckle, mole, or ingrown hair, get yourself to a doctor. Furthermore, a 45º angle should only be found on a triangle. If your junk takes a sharp turn you should show that to someone (not me, a doctor). While we’re on the subject, the only acceptable pick up line is hi. You might get rejected using it, but you won’t end up in a book.

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