Chapter 21 Excerpt: Sometimes You Feel You’re Going Crazy and You Hide at a Spa in the Desert

Chapter 21 Excerpt: Sometimes You Feel You’re Going Crazy and You Hide at a Spa in the Desert

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Dear Reader,

Now you are caught up. This was the journey of declining standards which led to me dating Mason. Remember him? He’s gone, my curtains are hung, and my wall is repaired. My home is full of fresh paint smell and my mind is full of self-loathing. I’ve just booked an impromptu vacation to a spa he told me about. I’m packing as fast as I can. No planning went into this trip, just a desperate need to hide from everyone, including myself. I want to be where no one can find me. No computer, no phone, and no coffee shops. I want to make difficult decisions such as: should I drink a martini or should I float around a grotto while I drink a martini?

Mason just sent me an email asking what I was doing and I told him I was going to the spa alone. He was ecstatic. He sent me several emails reminding me about the margaritas, massages, and how he was going to dance naked and sing to entertain me. He mentioned I would be paying because he didn’t have any money.

I hoped he was joking. I reread the email I’d sent to make sure it didn’t sound like an invitation. I had been clear. I replied that I really needed some peace, quiet, and space so I would be going alone. He flipped out a little. He expressed an unacceptable amount of jealousy over the fact I would be at a spa while he was at work. Never mind the four months he just spent traveling around France. He didn’t notice my comment about needing space. He didn’t seem to know this was the end.

I packed for my trip while Mason continued to email me ad nauseam. Every few minutes he sent me a new message. I opened one even though I was angry, and disgusted by his lies and neediness. I was confused by how he could lie extravagantly and expect me to continue dating him. I called my friend Sasha who had known him for years. I asked her if we could get together for lunch when I got back from my trip. I wanted to know more about Mason and the things he told me. We started talking and she confirmed most of what he told me wasn’t true.

“Why did you even date him? I told you not to,” she said.

“I want a boyfriend so I can’t stop trying.”

“No you don’t. You do not want a boyfriend. If you wanted one, you would have one in five minutes,” she said.

And she was right. I didn’t want a boyfriend. I was looking for something I couldn’t put into words. I was looking for something that was more of a feeling or a knowing. Thankfully real friends aren’t afraid to tell you the truth, even if you don’t listen.

Mason was calling, texting, and emailing nonstop. It was like having a stalker who might annoy me to death instead of stabbing me. He called me and I answered. I skipped saying hello in favor of being concise.

“I can’t talk right now, why don’t you call me back after work?”

He began to panic.

“What’s wrong? Why do you want to talk after work? It’s bad, isn’t it? I can tell it’s bad. What is it?” he asked.

“It’s just that you are at work and should be working. We can’t have a real conversation because you aren’t supposed to be on a personal call. Just call me after work,” I said.

“Is it something bad? Just tell me if it’s bad.”

“It’s nothing bad.”

I lied because he was at work. I didn’t want him getting fired or in trouble for an emotional outburst. If I was going to ruin his day, he needed to be at home for the evening. While I was talking to him, I dropped my phone and it broke. I was relieved but I was also unwilling to drive into the desert without a phone. I picked up the pieces, grabbed my purse, and went to buy a new phone. When I got back, I plugged in my new phone to charge and checked my computer. I use my phone and computer to communicate, making it difficult to avoid Mason’s attempts to get ahold of me. There were so many emails.

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